MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You Might Also Like
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Godspeed, John Glenn
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*