@GlennyRodge

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

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@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@fro_vo

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

@jmabell

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

@ramblinma

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

@junejuly12

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

@skittle624

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

@SteveSuckington

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

@CulturedRuffian

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

@dafloydsta

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.