Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.