MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge