Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
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I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
the #horror is real!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what