magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
You Might Also Like
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Meanwhile in Portland…
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything