@jwblvd

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

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@SteveSuckington

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

@LuckoftheDraw86

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

@Dawn_M_

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

@Tbone7219

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

@stevevsninjas

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

@Reverend_Scott

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

@mrtruthandsoul

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

@mkat816

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

@lmegordon

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

@anerdonfire2

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left