MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.