[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”