Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
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Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
What is going on? 😅
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5