Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
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What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.