*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
You Might Also Like
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
first you must answer his riddles
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.