Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
You Might Also Like
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Thursday Thought.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.