[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
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WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete