Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
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Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.