Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce