Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
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My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
shit just got real
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.