Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
me, after any kind of buffet.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.