*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Guy who likes music
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table