*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy