*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
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Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
He wanted to make sure😂
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.