Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
You Might Also Like
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here