@KatieDeal99

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

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@td_ward

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

@batkaren

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

@P1ssed_K1d

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

@Donna_McCoy

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

@HepatitisAtoZ

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

@tastefactory

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

@simoncholland

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?