@KatieDeal99

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

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@sixfootcandy

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

@HousewifeOfHell

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

@CindyBegel

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

@kelkulus

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

@Fred_Delicious

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

@FullMetalMommy

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

@T_Bonezzz_

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it