Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
oppen heimer style lol
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.