@Kyle_Lippert

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

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@JohnFugelsang

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

@MaraWilson

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

@lovemydogduck

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

@KentWGraham

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

@Valdemort_Arg

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

@goodgrief_rats

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@SteveSuckington

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

@elon_degeneres

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall