Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.