I thought this was funny lol
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall