@Stellacopter

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

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@yungshepherdboy

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

@crunchenhanced

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

@DairylandDon

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

@imence2

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

@joejwest

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@SteveSuckington

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

@ColoradoUgly

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

@jonnysun

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

@AngieDavisHaha

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”