@yungshepherdboy BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
@Stellacopter Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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@yungshepherdboy 
@crunchenhanced Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
@DairylandDon If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
@imence2 Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
@joejwest [roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
@SteveSuckington “I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
@ColoradoUgly Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
@jonnysun “yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
@AngieDavisHaha “You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
@mattZillaaaa [job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”