Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
You Might Also Like
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.