Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist


Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.


If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.


Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.


ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more


“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman


Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.


“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy


“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.


[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”