MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I wish I could veto my bills.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx