@TeaAndCopy
@simoncholland Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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@simoncholland 
@SoVeryBritish Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
@Shut_up_Marissa Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
@Jake_Vig “Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
@CherBear162 Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
@ninatreemonkey Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
@Scigglez GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
@YoungNobler Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
@WORIDSTARHIPHOP I love twitter
@IamEnidColeslaw what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose