@TeaAndCopy

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

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@simoncholland

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

@SoVeryBritish

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

@Jake_Vig

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

@CherBear162

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@Scigglez

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

@YoungNobler

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

@IamEnidColeslaw

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose