Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
i baked you a cake
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.