Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
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My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
who wants to go expliring
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.