Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
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throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Wednesday
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The funk soul brother
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆