Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
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“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.