Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
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I am a gravy boat captain
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…