did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?