Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito