@_wangwe

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

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@murrman5

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

@WheelTod

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

@ashley_barnhill

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

@AngryRaccoon2

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

@sixfootcandy

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

@cathisamazing

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

@silent_musings

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

@TallDarknHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?