“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
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How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I’M CRYINGGG
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns