Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one


You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.


Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?


ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?


If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.


wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
wife: NO I DIDN’T


I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”


Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”


People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”