Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
The Sun
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
New comic up. “Ransom”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.