@KizerBillhelm

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

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@mattZillaaaa

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

@Valdemort_Arg

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

@VerifiedDrunk

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

@GrantTanaka

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

@caribbeankris

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

@GianDoh

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

@GFGander

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”