Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.