@david8hughes

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

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@TheAlexP

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

@Smooheed

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

@DurtMcHurtt

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

@Froschauer_AF

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

@JohnHilsen

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

@TheRealMelskee

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@bigmacher

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

@jonnysun

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant