* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
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My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant