make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
me when i see my girls butt
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
i- i did not expect this
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is