make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
IT’S-A ME,
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses