Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come