Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
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My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
same vibe as tangled headphones
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet