Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.