Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Lmao
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.