Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My first child will be named New Folder.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Catercrombie & Fish
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Help Wanted
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid