Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.