Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
FINE, I WON’T.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity