Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
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If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy