Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X