Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Real House Wines.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me