Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
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“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.