Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.