Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.