Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Whoa… oh I see lol
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
twitter is a journey
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off