Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”