me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
HOW DARE YOU
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.