Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

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me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty


Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.


Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*


Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?


[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*


I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.


*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*


My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.


At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……