“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
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*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…